Monday, August 8, 2011

The Internet Coalition to "Dead-Leg" John Tesh

John Tesh is a syndicated radio disease that needs to be stopped. I have a theory about him. People listen to his program and think it's some of the most contrived, annoying, drivel on the radio, but they suffer through it because they assume that somewhere someone must like this crap. In reality, no one likes John Tesh. He is awful; everyone is victim to the same delusion.

You are probably thinking, Grant, why don't you just not listen if you don't like him. I can't. His syndicated show is everywhere. In Omaha and Lincoln, both "Oldies" stations play his show ad nauseum. If I want to listen to the "Super Hits", I have to suffer through it. Often times I will be so annoyed by what John Tesh has said during the break that nearly every song begins with me screaming at the top of my voice in frustration as the songs begin to play. Sometimes, I try to turn the radio off or switch it to another station when he comes on and try to switch back when there's music, but that just leads to a guessing game that John Tesh is going to win. Here's an example:



(If you feel a twinge behind your eyes while listening to John Tesh it is the beginning of a massive brain aneurism. You need to stop listening and go do something else to at least an hour. )

I want him off the radio waves. I want him to stop putting out Christmas Albums, I never want to hear the name John Tesh again. I've realized that I can't have everything that I want, so I have come up with a witty compromise. Next time you, or anyone sees John Tesh in public, "Dead Leg" him. If you take a video of this, I will put it up here. Hell, I'll probably make you a t-shirt and give it to you.

[Spot Reserved for Videos of John Tesh Being Dead Legged.]

Dead legging is a juvenile prank whereby the victim is punched really hard in the upper thigh. The result causes the leg to go numb for a while, thus the term "Dead Leg". I don't want to hurt John Tesh in any significant way, I just want to inconvenience him. Dead-Legging seems like the perfect retribution.

I've thought long and hard about the specifics of why The John Tesh Radio Show is so detestable and I've come up with the following list:

No Room For Doubt - Everything he tells you is so matter-of-fact, normally wrong, and leaves no room for interpretation. He has completely repressed the word "allegedly" out of his radio lexicon, a phrase that news organizations have come to swear by.  Half of the things he says are wrong or so painfully obvious that they cause you to be physically ill. Its the same feeling when people talk down to you, assuming you're stupid.



Where do I begin? Third hand smoke? Give me a break. Hugging grandparents is not harmful in any way! This is a prime example of how Tesh worms in the word "Fact" so that by the end of a relatively short broadcast the listener is left nodding along in a daze. "Sure third hand smoke...that sounds dangerous." Then they wake up and realize that its total bullshit. There is no mention of any conflicting opinions or that a line has to be drawn somewhere with the amount of government intervention that smokers should have to put up with. The more I think about it, the angrier I get.

Bare with me people, its all much worse from here.

Telling Parent's How to Raise Their Kids - As someone who doesn't have kids I detest two things: people who talk incessantly about their little rug-rats and people who tell those people what they're doing wrong. Sure not everyone is cut out to be a good parent, but if we all raised our kids according to John Tesh I can't possibly fathom how screwed up our society would be. Lets put it this way, If I had children, I would much rather let Cthulhu, god of uncomprehendable terror, babysit them rather then have them listen to a minute of the John Tesh Radio Show.




This has been John Tesh, continually making parents paranoid about their children. First and foremost, there is no direct, measurable correlation between violent movies and video games and violent behavior.
"Kids who see an R rated movie once a month are five times more likely to try alcohol or marijuana." Wait what? I watched tons of R rated movies before I was officially of age to see them, if that's the case I should have been 500 times more likely to try alcohol or pot. I feel cheated now... where's all the drugs and booze I was promised. Is my life of relatively little debauchery somehow cheapened by this? Its that final bit that really gets me(I'm paraphrasing of course): "As we at the John Tesh Radio Show constantly harangue you about, a child's room should be a desolate wasteland devoid of stimulating or entertaining things, be they electronical or just a stick and a hoop. Recent studies show that any violent actions, like repeatedly hitting a hoop with a stick can teach children it is OK to hit other things. Soon they have turned the stick on their friends, family, and even the elderly. Don't let this happen to your children."


Medical Advice - There's are two places where I don't need to get medical advice, commercials, and the John Tesh Radio Show. The latter is actually quite hard to accomplish as at least twice an hour he is trying to convince his listeners that they are having heart attacks or some other malady. If I were to classify his genre of flim-flammery into an historical medical era I would have to pick the dark ages. The heart attack, is like John Tesh's version of leeches, a veritable one trick pony of endless exploitation. Tired at night? Heart attack. Type too much at work? Heart Attack. Stare at the moon too long? Cancer, Death, Cancer, Heart Attack.



I was having a hard time finding a medical related example that didn't fit into my favorite category, "Doom-pandering", so I settled on this one instead.  This one almost combines every category about John Tesh into one simply awful broadcast.  If I'm a kid listening to this I'm thinking, "Where can I find some of this wonder drug... oh wait, anyone can buy it you say... for ten bucks at a smoke shop you say... excellent...excellent." It would be then that I would stroke my beard and chuckle whole-heartedly. However, since I am a kid I don't have a beard... Lets just move on. I don't know what makes me more angry, the fact that John Tesh said the words "Ninja Turtle" and "The Rapper Fifty Cent" or the way he pronounced them like they were surely signs of the coming apocalypse. "After one hit of this he thought he was 'A fiery demon summoned from the bowels of hell' one minute and the 'Anti-Christ' the next." Stop using my childhood to make parents paranoid.


Doom-Pandering - If there's one thing John Tesh is great at, it's turning people into a huddled mess of terror and paranoia, clinging to their radios as the last bastion of hope, waiting to be soothed back to reality by the mo-town stylings of the Temptations. Every commercial break the whole process repeats again. Honestly, if the music my local oldies station played wasn't so good there would be nothing keeping me from owning my own bunker right now. For that matter there would be nothing keeping John Tesh on the air.



QUICK, STOP THINKING!!! Your thoughts are killing you! The more you are worried about thinking thoughts that are killing you the more stressed you are. The more stressed you are, the more you are dying right this very minute. (What ever happened to a nice easy going "This day in history..." or some classic rock and roll trivia? Instead we're confronted with "You're thinking yourself to death?".) But the more I think about not thinking myself to death the more I am thinking about thinking myself to death!! NO! I did it again. And again. I can't stop. Help me.





What's that Mr. Mailman? You've slipped and fallen on my front walk and can no longer deliver the mail, your one true purpose in life. Well better you than me. According to John Tesh, If I shovel my sidewalk I am practically digging my own grave. Despite the fact that hundreds of millions of winter-bound people shovel snow every year without dropping dead I am suddenly terrified of leaving my house with a shovel. Doom-pandering at it's finest.

I couldn't find a sound clip for this one, but here is a segment about how technology is rotting children's minds If you want to be annoyed you can imagine it being read by John Tesh. (Also, it gets good and scary towards the end):

"...The results are scary because most North American kids spend seven-and-a-half hours a day glued to TVs, computers and cell phone screens. That’s almost quadruple the amount of time that damages kids’ mental health. So, the big question: Why is screen time causing psychological issues in kids? Dr. Angie Page is the lead author of the study. She thinks it’s because kids are becoming numb to adult content at a younger age, like by playing violent video games, seeing blood, guns and violence on TV or racy pictures while surfing the Internet. All that screen time is also decreasing kids’ attention spans – turning them into virtual goldfish, who can’t focus on anything for more than a few minutes at a time. It only gets worse over time. Teens who watch television for three or more hours each day increase their risk of being arrested or suffering a violence-related injury by 500%!"


Wait... What? If I watch TV for seven hours a day, I am not going to be outside. Generally, since we don't live in Columbia, the police don't tend to arrest people in their homes while watching TV. Not only is this inaccurate, insultingly so, but it also makes very little sense. So if I'm underage and watching several hours of R rated movies on TV I could be compounding my percentage of being arrested or suffering a violence related injury by... hmmm, let me carry the one... one hundred million billion percent. Maybe if I have good behavior when I'm in jail I can get a TV to watch in the big house. Would that cause some sort of Tesh related paradox in space time. Does watching TV in jail increase anything if I've already been arrested? Does it matter what channel the TV is on? Have you watched the news recently, that shit is violent. So many questions.


Selling Things - Here's another thing John Tesh has become a master of; subtle consumer hinting. Nearly everything he says has some mention of consumer direction. Buy this, don't buy that. But sometimes it's not always that simple... and sometimes it is.





So wait, the money saving traps I'm trying to avoid are eating cheaply and staying home? How does this make any sense. What this has done is not caused the listener to think "Oh, that's interesting, I didn't know that before.", but instead forced them to think about healthcare. Sometimes these consumer suggestions can also be simply idiotic as well. They're an insult to anyone with passable intelligence.
"The first shortcut [to saving money]: Not Buying premade supermarket food. For example, buying a package of mixed strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries for $9. If you make your own – that is, wash the berries and stir them together yourself – you’ll save nearly $3 a pound"

Golly gee wiz! Really Mr. Tesh. You don't say. 3$ a pound... Fuck Off.

FINALLY:


I'm disappointed in you John Tesh.

I would like to issue a standing challenge to anyone of reasonable intelligence. Try to listen to one hour of the John Tesh radio show. When you're done there will be this feeling of pent up rage that will have to be channeled somewhere. I'm sure most people use this feeling to justify hitting their spouse or pets. This is bad. I recommend you focus that rage into Dead-Legging John Tesh.  If not in person, by helping spread this movement across the internet.

I will call off this coalition when John Tesh either A) resigns, B) acknowledges that his show is mindless drivel that should be listened to by no one, or C) dies of a non dead-leg related injury.

I want this to spread like a plague through the subculture of America, infiltrating its very consciousness until John Tesh cannot leave his home or place of business without being punched repeatedly in the leg. DO IT! Disguise your faces with Guy Fawkes Masks, go forth, and mildly inconvenience a radio personality! FLY! FLY MY PRETTIES!

(Please continue to imagine me cackling with glee for an awkwardly long time.)


Special Thanks to Tesh.com for being so easily searchable, without your help this article wouldn't look nearly as shiny.

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