Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Point of No Return: How to Eat a Burrito

How to eat a burrito:

What is a burrito? A burrito is defined by urban dictionary as: "The act of stealing the covers from one's spouse by rolling up in them." This is a pretty good definition, only imagine the covers are a wheat-flour tortilla and that you are a wide selection of delicious fillings. Its pretty much the same thing, and either way your spouse is ticked that you are warm and they are not.

Where can I find a burrito? We have a local Mexican food chain here in Lincoln called De Leon's, they are open 24 hours a day, and they make a burrito the size of your forearm for under five dollars. It doesn't matter what the place is, the point is that they have to make a delicious burrito. A burrito is like a newborn baby, wrapped with care in a flour tortilla, that you get to eat. Wait... that came out wrong... that you get to eat with hot sauce included. I'm trying to say that the burrito can be one of the tastiest, most affordable, late night meals you'll ever have, but you cannot just trust the first burrito you meet. You cannot get the kind of burrito I'm talking about at Taco Bell. Taco Bell burritos are like a small pair of boobs. You can still put them in your mouth and have a good time, but a full handful is so much more satisfying. (This excludes the burrito you would get in a sit-down restaurant where it comes layered in piping hot sauces and toppings, making picking it up impossible. Gotta be able to pick it up.)

Step one is to pick an end to begin from. Don't hesitate, dig in. It is customary to take the correct burrito eating stance with your non-dominant hand holding the wrapping and majority of the burrito in such a way to minimize juice flow later on, and your dominant hand relatively free to drive, gesture, steady the burrito for large bites, or to add spicy sauces. Alternate bites from side to side on the burrito, allowing for flavor mixing between left and right. Sometimes all the light fluffy stuff is on the right, and all the great meat-stuff is on the left. You may need to rotate your burrito 90 degrees to find a better burrito filling/bite ratio alignment. Continue in this manner until further notice. There is a wonderful world of burrito enjoyment ahead of you.

The perfect bite: There comes a time in every burrito eaters life when they come across the perfect bite of burrito. It is the one bite when there is a little bit of every flavor swirling together in an amazing harmony of delight. There's guac, sour cream, meat, cheese, beans, tortilla, and magic all in your mouth at once doing a sprightly dance. All bites are not the perfect bite, not all burritos even contain one, but when you find it, you know, and you get really excited. Most of the time your mouth is full at this point and you end up mumbling something about the perfect bite to your friends, who are all fairly disgusted by how much you talk with your mouth full anyways.  The point is, when you find that perfect bite of burrito the heavens align, choirs of angels begin to sing, the sky opens up and pours fourth bright light, and the whole of creation becomes a singularity with your taste buds. Suddenly world peace seems so obvious, all worldly problems melt away, and for that one instant, you experience the thrill of true happiness. If you've experienced it, then you know exactly what I mean and that this paragraph doesn't begin to do it justice. And this picture still doesn't come close.

The point of no return: Sometime towards the end of a burrito experience there is the point of no return. This is the point when the main tortilla has been breached and a river of delicious burrito juices starts to drip down your hand. At that point you know that you have only moments of precious tortilla integrity left before complete disintegration. There is only one course of action: screw your courage to the sticking place and power it down. Don't worry, at this point all social conventions are thrown out the window, this burrito must be conquered. Your friends, passerby, and strangers will understand; it is part of the unwritten burrito code. Shove as much of it in your mouth as you can, as fast as you can. If you don't you will be left holding a gowpen of increasingly worthless burrito filling-stuffs. If a burrito ever completely falls apart you have to abandon it. You do not get to pick up a utensil and eat the parts separately, you do not get your money's worth. It has to be thrown away, mostly because it all ends up on the floor or on your clothing anyways. Consider it a life lesson from the burrito gods.

Burrito filling-stuffs are like car parts, they are only valuable when they're together as a working part of the whole car, or burrito, in this analogy.  I don't want to own just a muffler or a radiator, alone those things are worthless to me. Its the fact that all the parts together make a delicious mode of transportation that cause it to be so appealing. Same thing with burritos. I didn't sign up to eat individual servings of rice, beans, chicken, and sour cream, I wanted them all together.

Let me put it another way. The parts of a burrito are like those dumb kids with the rings from captain planet. Alone they can't really do shit, but by their powers combined....fucking delicious captain burrito shows up to save the day! Got it? Good.

The post burrito coma - Feel free to enjoy the fullness of finishing a burrito. The euphoria that this causes should be savored for full enjoyment. Sometimes this will very naturally transition into a nap. It is ok to nap anywhere you are, including behind the wheel, as long as you remember this short phrase, "It's OK officer, I just ate a burrito." He will naturally respond with, "My apologies sir, I did not realize." and you can be on your merry way, refreshed and satisfied, ready to finish your day.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've made myself hungry, I'm off to get a burrito...

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