Questions I often hear are things like: "Grant, why do you keep showing me your blog?", "That's very nice sweetie, but what are you going to do for the rest of your life?", and "Can I have your recipe for 'Bachelor Pasta Surprise'?"
... I'm tired of telling everyone the same answers over and over, so here's some frequently asked questions you can learn from:
Q:Why are your drawings so poor, I thought you said you had a degree in art?
---I do, and believe me I can draw your pants off, but that takes loads of time. I don't really feel like developing characters and easily recognizable silhouettes merely to illustrate my insane ramblings.
Q:Why do you steal your drawing style from Cyanide and Happiness?
---These little characters are simplified versions of a comic series I started drawing back in high school about chess pieces called "Checkmates", before Cyanide and Happiness started publishing. I just took away the whole chess piece angle, gave them arms, legs, and occasionally hands, and voila! So if anything they were copying me. ... wait... who do you think you are anyway, THEY'RE STICK PEOPLE, you can't copyright stick people. That would be like putting a copyright on singing karaoke out of tune. Fuck off.
Q: Why don't you use photoshop in your photos? They would look much nicer if you just added a seagull in every now and again.
---No they wouldn't. Photoshop is a crutch for people who can't use a camera properly. Photoshopping a seagull into a photo will never ever make it better. Funnier, yes, better, no.
Q: Why don't you write descriptions about what your photo is about with a story, that would be cool right?
Q: I'm paying thousands of dollars for a degree at an art school and I've noticed that your images are consistently color-shifted, cropped poorly, and demonstrate a general lack of finesse. Jeff Wall, Walter Benjamin, Harrumph Harrumph! Why is that?
---I find it odd that I even need to address this, but these images are often coming straight off of my digital camera. These aren't even the camera RAW files but the jpegs of noticeably shittier quality. These photos are quick, everyday examples of triumphs as well as mistakes. There are images that I worked my ass off for out in the cold for hours and it still didn't come together. There are images I took without looking, while walking across a crowded street with everything on full auto, and it turns out great. I originally started this "project" to keep me active in photography during my non-academic downtime in the summer and between degrees.
Q: What kind of camera do you use?
---Brace yourself for some technical mumbo-jumbo. I shoot my everyday, my commercial, and my studio stuff with a Canon 1Ds Mark III with a 35-70 variable focus EF lens. Its a great studio camera, but is really overpowered for street stuff. I also shoot a whole mess of 35mm b/w film with a fully manual Minolta with a fixed 50mm standard lens. I hardly ever use a flash. As a result I have been forced to find various methods of keeping a camera completely still during long time exposures.
Q: I really love the thing that you made. Can I post it on another site, thereby generating ad revenue and increased traffic for myself?
---I suppose there is really nothing I could do to stop you, but I would request that you give me a heads up via email, and make sure that I get full credit for the content. In the case of the infographics, I designed them so its fairly difficult to photoshop out my name, but still. A link back to my original page would also be greatly appreciated.
Q: What does "The Inverted Euphemism" even mean?
---A euphemism is a phrase used to dial down offensive language, like saying "dingle-berries" instead of "balls" or "testicles". So an inverted Euphemism would be a phrase that alters language to be more harsh or offensive. Also I just liked the way it sounded.
Q: Why is everything in shades of gray? Your site would look better if it looked like MS Paint threw up on it after eating Elton John's performance wardrobe.
---That was an oddly insulting question...The site and its components are gray as to not distract from any colors present in the photography. A background color or bright text can sometimes complement, but most of the time it draws the eye to a focal point that I didn't intend. Also I was towards the tail end of a marathon film noir binge when I designed it and it made sense at the time.
Q: I disagree with you on the topic of "__________", enough so to write a scathing hate email. Will you make fun of me on the blog for writing it?
Q:Why do you not post sometimes?
---Good question, I'm glad you asked that. You see, I am video game completionist. I am a bit obsessed with finding every hidden package, unlocking every trophy, and exploring every last bit of content. You may notice big gaps in the number of posts whenever there is a new game that's been released. In all fairness I probably should just post a picture of me hunkered down for a gaming marathon so that you know what's going on and don't call the local coroner to come get my body or something.
Q: Some days I check your blog and you haven't posted anything for weeks, while other times I get on, and suddenly magical content has been posted that wasn't there before. Wai...wha...Dark Wizardry?
---That or time travel. Sometimes I feel really bad about having not posted for a long time, (normally on a day when I've finally completely cleaned my apartment.), and I get really excited about photos and things and make hundreds of posts all at once. Then I post them back in time so it looks like I was paying attention. MAGIC! Every once in a while I'll hide something in the archives just for fun.
Q: Where do you live so I can buy you drinks?
---Another excellent question.[UPDATE] I am in the process of moving yet again. I am everywhere and nowhere, I am the wind. [MORE UPDATE] I'm back in my home town of Omaha, NE.
Q: What's your favorite rum?
---Kraken, but 10 Cane is running a close second.
Q: What are your crippling addictions?
--- I, along with many other people in the world, suffer from a debilitating addiction to "Arnold Palmer", the refreshing concoction of Lemonade and Iced Tea. I will, at any time, during any weather, under any circumstances, drink an Arnold Palmer. The more homemade the better. I'm also addicted to video games, sex, and heroin, but those are more like hobbies really when you consider how I get the shakes when I've gone without AP for too long.
Q: Are you really addicted to heroin, you seem like you're full of crap?
---Sure...my vocabulary and sentence structure should be proof enough...Isn't that the mark of a heroin addict? "Man that guy is tweaked, but he sure can put words together to make sentences."
Q: If you were stuck on a dessert island and you could only bring three books, which ones would you bring?
---So, let me get this straight, I am going to be stuck on a dessert island, but for some reason I get to pack what three useless things I would bring first. This is dumb. Plus, what the hell do I need books for? I'm on a "dessert" island. Presumably I would just eat myself into a diabetic coma.
Q: Does anyone actually read this?
---Nope, no one does.
Q: I got handed one of your "Enterprises UnLtd" cards the other day. What? Why?
---I find that most people give you their business card and you glance over it, put it in your pocket, and never think about it again. I wanted a business card that wasn't going to end up as shredded paper fuzz on someone's dryer lint filter. The best way to do that, I discovered, was to make it exceedingly memorable and ridiculous. I chose the things I have to offer based on how the words sounded, taking into consideration the words before and after. Also it was inspired by a business card I found attributing something very similar to W.C.Green, a former president of Enterprises UnLtd., and took his idea, changed it just enough to avoid any law suits and BAM. Send me an email and be specific about what you want.
Q: Can I get prints of your photos so that I can hang them in my bathroom?
---I recently started a profile on Society6. They take my artwork, print it for you, frame it, and give me money. If you really like a photograph and you would like a print of it, please let me know and I'll add it to the Society6 page.
Q: Can I have a painting?
---What do I look like, some incredibly generous guy who gives out hand-made paintings for free? Yeah probably.
Q: Why are some things in brackets?
--- I use brackets when I am writing and think of a picture that would go there.
[picture of huge knockers] and sometimes I forget to draw the picture and post it anyways... ooops.
Q: I read all the way through to the beginning of your blog, why does it suck there towards the beginning?
---Yeah, I know. Hindsight is 20/20. There's some things lurking back there that I'm not proud of. There's also some things that were actually quite funny. But most of it's awful. Hey, I was a college sophomore who was experiencing love and loss. In other words I was young and oh so stupid. So skip anything after the photos stop that you don't really want to read. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but like no amount of drinking will erase those times from my memory, I suppose it wouldn't be fair to erase those posts.
Q: Whats with the god damn secret codes?
---I happen to like secret codes thank you very much.
Q: Why are there no ads? Don't you like money?
---I love money, but I hate ads more. They are visual clutter that don't do much for me, or the flow of the site. However, if the readership goes up significantly, I might just put a button on that lets you donate quarters to me so I can do laundry.
Q: Isn't "My Bachelor Kitchen" blatantly copying "My Drunk Kitchen"?
---I prefer the term homage`... but yes, I drew some inspiration from Harto's zany antics. You can also agree that there is enough difference in what's going on to be a completely different monster. It's the internet, we're all one big happy family. If I'm ever in the NYC area I would like nothing more than to get drunky-faced and cook something with her. Until that time, I will still keep cooking for bachelors.