Friday, January 21, 2011


There's nothing quite like cleaning.

Perhaps the most interesting thing is how great a lengths one will go to in order to avoid a sink full of dishes. I find myself compelled to do all sorts of things I wouldn't normally do, just knowing that I have a mountain of dirty dishes to wash.

"Hmm, I should really do the dishes, but I really feel like running five miles."

"You know my desk hasn't been organized in a while, get me a trash can."

"Pretty sure its time to repaint the whole kitchen."

"Tax time already! I can't wait!"

And then there's that moment when you have cleaned everything else; the trash is at the curb, your toilet is so clean it sings like a crystal wine glass when you run your finger along it, the ceiling fan blades have been sterilized, all your socks have been paired, and you realize that there only remains the elephant in the room, all those fucking dishes.

Here is a play by play of how dishes get done in my apartment.

"Here I come dishes, be prepared to be cleaned and put away!" ... "I don't think I can do dishes without the proper musical motivations."

[Spend half an hour putting together "Doing Dishes" playlist on itunes]

"Now that we've got the music all taken care of... I'll just start one dish at a time... wow some of these are really dried on, I should soak them."

[Soak dishes in hot steaming water until water temperature has reached room temperature and a slight film has formed on the surface (may take several days)]

[Put one drop of soap in water and watch all the grime rush to the edges.]


[Regain composure]

"Ok, maybe I should sort all the silverware out and then scrub them and set them to dry over.... wait, I have no clean sponges."

[Run to grocery store, buy more sponges.]

[Put away sponges and the forty dollars worth of other things I bought at the grocery store because I went when I was hungry and the nice lady gave me a free sample.]

[Realize I'm still hungry.]

[Cook a frozen pizza. Eat Pizza. Leave all dishes in oven to prevent having to clean them.]

[Pour a shot of rum, consume.]

"Ok dishes, you've been here long enough. Lets start with the plates, those are easy."

[Take a razor and scrape the dried remains of unspeakable microwaved horrors from surface of places, wash, dry, put away.]

[Fish all the silverware out of the sink, put in a glass with soap and water for later. Abandon until there is no clean silverware left. Wash as necessary.]

[Wonder how I am still so dehydrated when I have used so many drinking glasses. Fill each glass with warm water. Set aside.]

[Spend far too long trying to get my hands and the dish towel into the bottom of each glass. Get hand cramps and give up. Put those glasses in the cupboard for "guests". ]

[Take a nap.]

[Round up all pots and pans from the various surfaces around the apartment, pile in sink, soak, scour, rinse, dry, fill with water, put on stove in an attempt to make macaroni.]

[Computer makes a funny noise. Investigate. My virus database has been updated. Commence to stumbling through the internet until in a trance-like state. ]

[Awake from trance like state to the sound of the smoke alarm. Run into kitchen to find all the water boiled out of your pans and they are now black and charred. ]

[Pull smoke alarm out of ceiling. Swear loudly.]

[Put charred pots away as is.]

[Take remaining dishes and wipe them down quickly. Realize that when all dishes are clean there is not enough cupboard space for everything.]

[Realize dishes are done. Do a jig.]

[Turn around and find camouflaged dirty dishes you didn't see the first time, stored in odd places around the apartment.]

[Move new dishes to sink.]

[Order Jimmy Johns for several days in stead of cooking.]

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