Friday, July 9, 2010

What if I Were President for One Day?

I was traipsing through the internets when I stumbled across what I can only assume is an elementry school class posting online what they would do if they were president for a day.

Some of them are just pure gold, riddled with child-like innocence. My favorite by far:
"-let cell phones  be aloud in class at all times
-lower the prices of gas
-plant more trees
-lower the price at Aeropostale..American Eagle..and Hollister
-ban smoking..tabbaco..weed..and other drugs
after that i would through the biggest party ever at the White House"

Its silly, naive and wildly misguided, but it got me thinking. What would I do if I was President for a day?

Here's my hypothetical situation:
As an honors student and scholarship recipient I am invited to the G8 summit and as part of this experience was promised some one on one time with President Obama. The day is going rather normally, I get my name badge, get through security, buy a fair trade cup of coffee and doodle through a few multinational seminars. Finally its time to sit down with the big man himself. We strike up a conversation which goes a little something like this:
"PRES O: Grant I am very pleased to meet you, we need more students like you as tomorrow's leaders.
ME: Thanks Mr. President!
[things degrade quickly]
PRES O: (exasperated) Well this job is one of the most difficult occupations every concieved!!
ME: HA! I could do your job easily!
PRES O: You wouldn't last a day!
ME:(through clenched teeth) Try me..
PRES O: ....verywell."

And in a move of questionable legal and political action he turns over his executive powers to me for one 24 hour period.  The terms of the wager are this: I have to run the country effectively for over 24 hours without caving in or crying uncle. If I win I get to bowl ten frames at the white house lanes and a bag of those presidential seal M&M's... If I lose, I get the same thing, only I get to watch while someone else enjoys them...probably the President.

My day would probably begin by calling an emergency session of my cabinet and issuing several executive orders. My plan here is to do so much in one 24 hour period that the press has little time to catch up. Freezing the stock market would be necessary at this point.

First, I will appoint Stephen T. Colbert as press secretary. A good press secretary should be able to say nothing and make you feel like your question was stupid for leaving your mouth. Colbert invented that.

Next, mobilize the army corp. of engineers on fixing this Gulf Coast Oil Spill situation. They have a 24 hour deadline and can be aided by only two attractive girls giving out free Red Bull.

As a backup plan I will decree that the college student/ students who solve the oil spill crisis in 24 hours gets a full ride scholarship to any college they want and an electric car. Also the same Red Bull incentive applies.

Quickly, when nobody's looking, I'll repeal don't ask don't tell.  It just seemed appropriate to do it that way.

I'll get on the phone to the pentagon and have them immediately cease all heavy weapons production. No missiles, no probes, no smart missile probes. NADA. All non essential military hardware will be converted for use as humanitarian aide. The money saved from the defense budget will then be channeled appropriately into universal health care.

All troops are getting pulled out of hostile nations. Afganistan, Iraq, Iran, Kurdistan, North Korea...etc. These soldiers are going to be all transferred home for a month with their families before embarking on their next tour of duty which will consist of helping to rebuild America's infrastructure, fixing schools, hospitals, bridges...etc.

Now it's time to log into Uncle Sam's Facebook account and unfriend some countries.  First to go is Israel. They just need to see the effects of their own foreign policies without having the shadow of our "big stick" backing them up.

Next, Saudi Arabia. I know our relationship status has been set at "its complicated" for a while now, but lets face facts. You're our dealer and you really are not helping our addiction to this "oil" stuff.

By now congress has been summoned into an emergency session to meet on whether or not to impeach me. It is at this point Colbert will leak the news of my sex scandal, which will probably buy us enough time to finish out the day.

Its about lunch time now, so I stop for a nice toasted meatball sub. Delicious.

Moving on.  Time for a quick amendment to the constitution. "Congress shall make no law which enforces the religious beliefs of one faction upon another."

Nothing is a motivator like a deadline. So I will effectively cease imports of foreign oil. The auto manufacturers will have the time until the oil reserve runs out to get us completely off of petroleum based power and transportation.  My speech at this point will be. "Hey car companies, jump on this bandwagon or sink like a stone!"

Finally I'll have the secretary of education change our public school curriculum requirements to include a bi and perhaps tri-lingual education program for elementary education students. And at least two foreign languages pursued in high school.

I'll establish a government think tank that meets in the summer of the nations best educators and ask them to re tune the curriculum for both our students and our would be teachers so that our education system is comprehensive, competitive, and effective. 

Providing the economy survives all this, I'm going to have lasagna for dinner.

Then dessert, apple pie seems appropriate.

Then after dinner I'll hire Google on as a government contractor to get the entire bureaucracy paper free.

And then as things start to calm down I'll have a survey compiled of all the cities at most risk for natural disasters. These problem areas will be repaired or engineered to well over our anticipated need, because we can never fully anticipate natural disasters.

Then I eat my M&Ms.

-and after that I would throw the biggest party ever at the White House!


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