Monday, August 29, 2011

Bar Customers - Reasons Why I have Come to Loathe Them PART 2

Arguably, bartending is one of the sweetest gigs ever. The pay is great, customers want what you're selling, and you have the power to cut people off and even kick them out if need be. Despite all these positive things, the amount of crap one has to put up with sometimes doesn't compare. Here's an illustrated list of customers that need to knock it off in bars:

"Hey Barkeep!" -  This is a huge category of people who all try to get the bartender's attention in a variety of annoying ways. This includes but is no limited to:

Finger Snapping
Money Waving
Figuring Out the Bartenders Name and then Yelling it Repeatedly
Not Bother to Figure out the Bartender's Name, Making Up One, and Yelling that Instead
Glass Tapping
Bright Flashing Lights on your Phone Being Waved Through The Air

So what is the correct way to get a bartender's attention?
Eye contact.

No matter how busy or loud a bar is, leaning in and making eye contact with the bartender will normally prompt them to ask for your drink order.  Under no circumstances should you lean in, make eye contact, and not know what you want.

People who don't tip- For some reason there are people who don't tip. I feel so strongly about tipping well that I designed a whole info-graphic demonstrating the finer nuances of tipping. AS SEEN HERE. I wish there was a way to brand people who don't tip, cause otherwise there's really no way of knowing. A bartender can work their ass off making the fanciest drinks at lightning speed, and only find out at the very end how they've been screwed on a tip. I propose a new strategy, lets give every bar a custom made branding iron that reads "Shitty Tipper". This iron is always hot and ready to go. When a customer tosses back a signed credit card receipt where they rounded a 75 dollar tab to the next dollar, the bartender gets to hold them down and brand them as a shitty tipper across their forehead. This way other bartenders will know and can treat them accordingly.

[It has also come to my attention that in the UK people prefer to pull down their pants and shit all over the bartender in lieu of a tip. Some have written me scathing emails about how the concept of tipping in a bar actually offends them. Lets put it this way... if you're in the US of A, tips are required. NO EXCEPTIONS.]

Sexual Harassment - Every bartender, no matter male or female, young or old, gay or straight, has to put up with sexual harassment. This is "unwanted" sexual attention from a demographic of people who repulse or disgust you.

For ladies there are always the salt/pepper grey-haired gentlement who will cooly drop an innuendo into a conversation. These old guys have no reservations about touching a bartender's ass and only sometimes tip well enough to make up for it (But most of the time they don't).

For the guys a majority of the flirting comes from drunk college girls, normally not a problem, even the occasional gay guy but nothing really prepares a male bartender for the onslaught of Cougars. These are middle-aged women who are in their "sexual peak", dealing with the loss of their youth, and are creepy as all get out. They aren't afraid to touch you, feel you, fondle you, or try to remove articles of your clothing with their teeth. If middle aged men behaved that way we'd be out of jail cells.

Scavengers - These are people who will scour the bar and finish left over drinks abandoned by other customers. Not only is it rude, but I'm pretty sure it's illegal. If you need a drink so bad that two inches of beer backwash or watered down rum and coke sound appetizing you may need to just stop for a moment and rethink your life. Drinking abandoned drinks at the bar is a good way to get your ass kicked out.

Not Knowing What You Want - There's nothing more frustrating than someone who comes in when the bar is three deep and orders five pineapple-upside-down-cakes, you make all the cocktails, and the person goes "Oh, I wanted those as shots." Bartenders are a lot of things, counselor, enabler, but they're not mind readers.

Amateur Drinkers - These are a wide group of customers who don't know their limits.

They are young 21 year olds, idiots, or people who drink and get really loud. Given, it is the bartender's job to judge whether or not a person should have another shot of tequila or a water, but sometimes it's not always so obvious. Sometimes that person hasn't had anything to drink all night, just came in from the spicy burrito eating competition, has never had a shot of tequila before, and thought it would be just great. Which leads into my next point rather saliently...

Vomiters (The Nature of Drunk Aim)- Throwing up in a bar is a great way to get cut off. No one enjoys cleaning up other people's vomit, especially when the Santa Lucia pasta eating festival is in town. 

The real question is not whether drunks will vomit in your bar, but WHERE they will choose to vomit in your bar.

There are no guarantees, but based on my personal experience this is how alcohol effects the mind when the vomit reflex kicks in.

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